Remember....

So, I wrote the blog posting below back in October. I came across it as I was sifting through old blogs, and I couldn't help but read it. I am posting it again for a reason. If you notice, way at the bottom, I ask for support in prayer. Well, the Lord has taught me A LOT in this area since October, and I wanted to take the time to thank you for your prayers. The prayer to rest, and become like a wheaned child, to not put all my emphasis on the intellectual, but to experience the emotional/relational part of my faith, has and is still be answered. I'm still going through the process, but I feel like He has carried me so far. He has already given me such a deeper understanding of how much He loves me....and to think, that is still not even close to how much He actually does; just a small taste. Anyways, I wanted to recognize how He does work. He does answer prayers, and I am so thankful and joyful for the lessons He teaches. Oh, and can I just say that it is so good to write down requests for prayer, and also what the Lord is teaching us, or bringing us through at the time. It is so great to be able to look back and have evidence of just how much He has worked. To remember. My prayer is that we will always remember. God bless you my friends, and thank you for your prayers.


Broken


Psalm 131

"O LORD, my heart is not proud, nor my eyes haughty; Nor do I involve myself in great matters, Or in things too difficult for me. Surely I have composed and quieted my soul; Like a weaned child rests against his mother, My soul is like a weaned child within me. O Israel, hope in the LORD From this time forth and forever "

Warning: in a sad mood today...just thought I'd let you know before you proceeded to read my blog. I just want to share what the Lord has been teaching me. I feel like David right now when he wrote this Psalm. I have been humbled recently. I praise God for humbling me, even though it is so painful. You see, knowing my faith is really important to me....and those of you who know me well, know that I believe you can be a christian and have an intellectual faith, and that it does make sense, and doesn't just have to be a blind faith that you just accept. I think it is so important to study what you believe and learn about something deeply and intelligently if it is going to be something you base your life on, and I know that is a good thing to believe and place importance in. The problem for me has risen in the opposite area. I have put so much emphasis on knowing my faith intellectually that I have taken my eyes of know God relationally. Being rightly related to God does not necessarily require a deep intellectual understanding. You don't need to understand another person completely to fall in love with them. You don't need to know exactly how their mind and body work, you simply need to spend time with them, and enjoy their presence to fall in love. Yes, there needs to be a balance between the two, I was just completely ignoring the relational and emotional. I guess I just figured that the more I learned the more I would love the Lord, which is true, but my pride got in the way. In the beginning I gave credit to the Lord for revealing more of him and his truths to me, which is the only way I could have every understood...then, however, I started to attribute it to my own intelligence, my own super spirituality. SO LAME!!! To anyone who may have sensed that from me...please forgive me. The Lord has humbled me...I don't have it all together, and I feel like I know nothing, and can know nothing except for what He shows me.

That is what happened in Psalm 131. In it David talks about how he is not haughty about deep and profound things, he is simply resting, like a wheaned child. We honestly can never understand completely the ways of God, and if we keep striving for that we will come up at a loss and will become self seeking, in our search to "know" everything. We can't do that! I'm done...I'm done spending every second trying to figue out the Lord...I'm just going to rest and listen to whatever it is he wants to show me. I'm not going to stop studying my bible or anthing like that, I've just had a perspective switch. I'm going to keep studying it because it helps me to enjoy God, to learn about him.....I'm not going to study it in order to fulfill this thirst to know everything, and to figure everything out. I love how David uses a wheaned child as an analogy here. Wheaning is a difficult process for a child....they don't understand that it is for their benefit...that it helps them to experience more of life, that it is part of the process of moving to solid food. They just want their mother's milk. Then, after the child has been wheaned and has gotten over that traumatic experience they just rest on their mother's breast. They rest there seeking nothing to satisfy any natural hunger....they rest in that comfort, that closeness and that's it. I want my soul to be that. I want to rest simply on the comfort of our Lord who loves me more than I can even fathom or understand. I'm done with self seeking, I'm done with my prideful thirst for knowledge....I just want to rest....and learn how to love Him more and experience more fully how much He loves me. Not understanding it, just trusting in it, and finding comfort in it. Anyways, I don't know if this all makes sense....I'm just getting out what's on my mind. Let me know if you need me to clarify anything. Be blessed my friends again today, and please please please realize how much the Lord loves you and wants you near! He wants you to rest and find comfort in Him. It is then that you will experience true joy.

Also, I ask that you pray for me. I feel like I'm going through the "wheaning" time and it feels like it's killing me (i'm also dealing with the outward consequences of my misdirected focus....no need to go into that, and the hurt that I've caused others). It's very hard, and I need your prayers....whether you think I'm insane for believing what I believe or not.....please support me in the best way you can....pray for me. Don't be like me, get over any pride that might be going on inside your heart (something I'm totally guilty of myself), or any bad taste you might have towards christianity or religion in general (something that I have also been guilty of in the past). I need your support because you are my friends, regardless of what you believe, and this is the only way you can support me. I will be praying for you as well. I love you!!!!!!