Beauty of the depths

Emotion. Quite a thing emotion is. Have you ever been so overwhelmed by an emotion that you thought you literally could not handle it? You could feel it physically? You could literally feel your broken heart or overpowering joy? Yeah, pretty crazy. I've been learning a lot about emotion over the years. Not quite sure how I feel about it either (the whole love hate thing). For a great deal of my life I stayed in the land of the numb more or less....don't feel too much in either direction and you'll be ok. Yeah, bad idea, not to mention unhealthy (we need to learn to deal with our emotions and learn just how beautiful they are as young as possible). Well, certain things over the years have literally forced me to feel and as much as I kick and I scream against the pain or against the joy, I eventually have no choice but to break down, to give in. It's worth it. The amazing depths are worth the amazing heights and to force myself to hang out in middle land is wrong. Why is it that I can be so afraid of the depths of emotion (pain, sadness...etc) that I will push away anything that could possibly cause me to soar? Why must I only accept the suffering and be way to afraid to accept God's blessing? It's like when He chooses to bless me I just can't accept it...I can't believe it's real...oh rach, of little faith...yep, that's me. Yeah, so something I'm working on...why am I writing this so late at night? Well, got a big healthy dose of emotion tonight (and trust me, I have witnesses) and usually when that happens, my sleeping gets interrupted (yeah, imagine that)...so what I'm doing right now is trying to get my thoughts out and trying to embrace the good and the lessons that go along with what I'm feeling right now instead of just dwelling in the fact that I've reached the edge (more like jumped way over) of my strength and ability to control how I feel. So yeah, no worries my friends and family...I'm ok, I'm not going off the deep end...I'm just being extremely candid I guess (well, and a bit vague in a sense) and trying to get out what's going on. Sometimes I just need to get it out...we all need to do that. Why I choose to share it with you all, risking that you might all think I'm losing it and immediately jump to the top of everyone's prayer chain, I do not know. I guess I'm just crazy...oh well, real is the only thing I can be right now (especially at 1:30am). I do appreciate your prayers as always though and I love you so much.

one more time: DO NOT BE WORRIED. I AM FINE. IT'S ONE IN THE MORNING AND I'M PROBABLY JUST BEING TIRED AND SILLY AND I'LL HAVE A NICE BIG LAUGH AT THIS EMAIL IN THE MORNING. SO, ONCE AGAIN, I'M OK. GOT IT? fantastic! :-)