Memories
Hi everyone. Here I am again....I know the last posting was kinda derpressing...sorry bout that, it's good to be real though, and life isn't always roses (as I'm sure you all know). Not sure how this one will turn out, just usually write what's on my mind as it comes....could be promising though because I'm not AS down as I was when I wrote that one, so that's a good sign. I'm sitting in a coffee shop on Coronado Island where they serve good vegetarian food and even better coffee, and not to mention have free wireless, so yeah, that always helps the mood. I went to eat bagels with my dad this morning before I came here, and that was fun. He did his crossword while I told him all about different countries I want to visit....so yeah, the usual. :-) I like this place (Coronado) a lot...I feel like I'm not in the real world, but in some little vacation spot. It's as close as you can get to a small town in San Diego, and I must say I enjoy it very much. Especially when they have good coffee shops with food for us green folk.
I was thinking today about memories. I love them and I hate them. It's like, I have all these wonderful memories from the last four years of my life (well, more than that, but I'm referring to certain ones in a certain time period), memories of wonderful times, and then suddenly they become sour. Don't get me wrong, they are still happy memories, but when I think of them, they only make me hurt. Gosh, I hate that. If we didn't have memories then that would totally suck, but then again, it sucks to have them too. Seriously, I feel somewhat afraid to have any more experiences that might make memories with the same fate as the ones I'm referring to. Memories with people that we eventually have to let go from our lives. Obviously, I'm not going to push away any person that can be or is significant in my life and just dwell in my room from now until death with my cat (although, i can still have memories with the cat...so, maybe i should put him outside the room and keep the door closed..yeah, good idea), but seriously, the fear is there...the fear to get close to another person, to let them into my heart, my life. But that's what life is about...it's risky, it's an adventure, and to live it in fear is not what the Lord desires for us. We were NOT created to be afraid, especially to be afraid of being close to other peeps. How often have we surrendered our freedom under the weight of our fears? It's amazing how much power relationships have in our life, meeting just one person can change you completely...scary. Scary good though...I just pray that someday I'll be able to do it again...someday FAR away. So yeah, I'm ok...it's just when those memories will suddenly pop in my head and I can feel that pain in my stomach like a brick wall...the pain of missing someone, the realization that a part of you is gone. When I feel that though, I can do one of two things....ignore it or embrace it (notice how I did NOT say dwell on it). I was talking to someone the other day who said when someone leaves your life, you need to grieve otherwise you'll never recover. Well, we all know I'm SUPER good at putting all those emotions up on the shelf, behind all the boxes, where I can't see them, BUT I have decided to grieve...I have decided not to ignore. So when that feeling comes and the haunting of past good times come upon me, I feel it, I take it and leave it off the shelve, and bring God right along with me. It's quite an interesting thing embracing your emotions, but not letting them control you(hence the reason God needs to be there)...Maybe you should try it. Although, I know some of you who are SUPER good at that...*cough* becka...hehe. Thanks so much becka for showing me and helping me to grow in so many ways. You're a blessing. Alright, now I've totally been rambling...hmmm...perhaps a sign that MAYBE I'm on the road to becoming Rachel again...maybe an even new and improved EMOTIONAL Rachel...I know, hard to imagine. :-) Thanks for your prayes....I need them, they bring me peace.
I shall run the way of your commandments, for You will enlarge my heart
Psalm 119:32
(May the Lord enlarge my heart and yours to love and love freely, without fear)
I was thinking today about memories. I love them and I hate them. It's like, I have all these wonderful memories from the last four years of my life (well, more than that, but I'm referring to certain ones in a certain time period), memories of wonderful times, and then suddenly they become sour. Don't get me wrong, they are still happy memories, but when I think of them, they only make me hurt. Gosh, I hate that. If we didn't have memories then that would totally suck, but then again, it sucks to have them too. Seriously, I feel somewhat afraid to have any more experiences that might make memories with the same fate as the ones I'm referring to. Memories with people that we eventually have to let go from our lives. Obviously, I'm not going to push away any person that can be or is significant in my life and just dwell in my room from now until death with my cat (although, i can still have memories with the cat...so, maybe i should put him outside the room and keep the door closed..yeah, good idea), but seriously, the fear is there...the fear to get close to another person, to let them into my heart, my life. But that's what life is about...it's risky, it's an adventure, and to live it in fear is not what the Lord desires for us. We were NOT created to be afraid, especially to be afraid of being close to other peeps. How often have we surrendered our freedom under the weight of our fears? It's amazing how much power relationships have in our life, meeting just one person can change you completely...scary. Scary good though...I just pray that someday I'll be able to do it again...someday FAR away. So yeah, I'm ok...it's just when those memories will suddenly pop in my head and I can feel that pain in my stomach like a brick wall...the pain of missing someone, the realization that a part of you is gone. When I feel that though, I can do one of two things....ignore it or embrace it (notice how I did NOT say dwell on it). I was talking to someone the other day who said when someone leaves your life, you need to grieve otherwise you'll never recover. Well, we all know I'm SUPER good at putting all those emotions up on the shelf, behind all the boxes, where I can't see them, BUT I have decided to grieve...I have decided not to ignore. So when that feeling comes and the haunting of past good times come upon me, I feel it, I take it and leave it off the shelve, and bring God right along with me. It's quite an interesting thing embracing your emotions, but not letting them control you(hence the reason God needs to be there)...Maybe you should try it. Although, I know some of you who are SUPER good at that...*cough* becka...hehe. Thanks so much becka for showing me and helping me to grow in so many ways. You're a blessing. Alright, now I've totally been rambling...hmmm...perhaps a sign that MAYBE I'm on the road to becoming Rachel again...maybe an even new and improved EMOTIONAL Rachel...I know, hard to imagine. :-) Thanks for your prayes....I need them, they bring me peace.
I shall run the way of your commandments, for You will enlarge my heart
Psalm 119:32
(May the Lord enlarge my heart and yours to love and love freely, without fear)
posted by Rach @ 1:11 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home